Glance
guys, this is an old one…just got the chance to post it…
Once in a while, one experiences that unexplainable impression that, even though we don’t see anything, someone is standing, staring behind us. I have experienced something similar with the demigod (God, it feels weird to write about someone you no longer care about…I wrote this a long time ago…I just didn’t have the chance to post it). I have experienced that feeling of excitement mingled with anxiety when one thinks there is someone behind. I have experienced that nail-biting, nerve-wracking quandary where one weighs one’s curiosity – the urge to find out who /what is behind us or if there is someone or something there at all – and one’s fear – the fear of what/who one may find there. I have experienced those many times before. In those mind-numbing instances, I gave in to my curiosity. In those maddening, disappointing – even to the point of hurtful – instances, after taking a long time to muster up my courage to disregard my fears, I glanced back just to see…nothingness glare back at me as if to mock me at my foolishness. During those instances, the devil’s malicious grin would’ve been more welcome than the emptiness that filled my eyes, my heart with tears. Then again, I’ve never seen the devil before so I don’t know if I’d really want that. Anyway, whenever I look back on those instances, I ask myself, what did I do wrong? Was I wrong in glancing back or was I wrong about taking my time in doing so? Had I glanced back sooner or later would I find someone or something there? Every now and then, I feel that compulsion again. Every time, I manage to shrug it off as nothing. I keep reminding myself of the numerous times I glanced back expecting – or rather, hoping – that the demigod’s intense, patient stare would be meeting my startled/curious stare only to find myself staring at nothing. Yes, I may have given in to my fear but a voice in my head keeps nagging, telling me: what if this time’s different from the ones before? What if you actually find the eyes that you feel are trying hard to “render you transparent,” to urge you to turn around? What if you actually find someone waiting for you to turn around? What if this hesitation of yours is making him wait longer? What if this hesitation of yours costs you a lifetime of happiness you’ve so longed for? The numerous what ifs are overthrown by one statement alone. “I have turned around before, seen nothing and found misery. I can’t take any more than what I already have.” So, everyday, I go about carrying, weighing my curiosity and my fears. Maybe one day I’ll give in to my curiosity. Maybe one day I’ll glance back. Maybe. For now, I am afraid to glance back.
I may be afraid to glance back but as I was on my way to attend practice, I couldn’t help but take a glance at the demigod. While I was doing so, I didn’t know why I did this. One song later, I found myself thinking, “…just one glance to help me get through the rest of the day without seeing you…” WTF?!?! Why does it matter whether I see you or not? Why, just a while ago, I turned my back on you so as to avoid romanticizing the sight of you as I read a romantic book! I really am a walking contradiction! When you’re near, I try hard to keep you out of my sight. When you’re out of my sight, I try hard to find you. Why?! Why?! Why?! Why am I like this when I should be able to look straight at you casually and not miss your eyes when I’m not looking at them?! Why am I even thinking of you?! Why am I writing yet another blog offering to you?!
