Pensive moments…

“Why be capable of feelings if you’re not meant to have them? Why long for things if they’re not meant to be had?” – Isolde in Tristan and Isolde

Wow. It’s amazing how two different people in opposite situations have the same questions, the same complaints. I mean here’s a woman who is literally being fought over by noble men speaking out the very words in the heart of a girl who’d have any of those men fighting over her (preferably James Franco or Henry Cavill…though the latter wasn’t really one of the guys contending for Isolde’s hand). How ironic can the world be?! Here’s Isolde complaining about not having the one thing/person she yearns for, the only one that could truly make her happy. Then here I am complaining about the same damn thing. The difference lies in the situations we are (were?) in…she can’t have her dear Tristan because she belongs to someone else while I can’t have anybody even though I belong to no one. The world has found yet another way of mocking me, of persecuting me. sigh. Too much Hollywood in my system…maybe I should stop watching movies with medieval themes so that I could stop envying the gorgeous leading ladies (I mean, God! they’re fictional and they have gorgeous guys and wonderful wardrobe while I get ——-!)…at least until I find someone who’ll watch it with me, someone who’ll give me no reason to envy the ladies on the screen – ahem!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some hunting (more like haunting) to do… ;P

yet another old one…

I’m having another silly yet irresistible idea again. I have this weird whim to go where “Daniel” is…or at least where I think he would be. I don’t know why I feel that I have to go. I don’t know what to expect if I do go there. I don’t know what I’ll do if something will arise from going there. I don’t know anything except that I want, have to go there. I don’t have any plans unless going there and come what may counts as one. This reminds me of line that goes “we make plans but then love demands a leap of faith.” Well, I think I’m taking a leap of faith in going there…so does this make this weird, unexplainable bliss love? I think I’ve asked this to myself before. Oh yeah, I asked this question and answered that it was indeed love. It’s weird though because I don’t feel like this is déjà vu. It’s like what happened with Tio (and all the rest) is a past that needs to be thrown away. I mean look at what happened to that so-called “love”? It’s stowed away in some obscure corner gathering dust, slowly fading away into oblivion to become nothing more than a memory of what once was…then it’ll probably cease to be memory…it’ll probably be just a wisp of a memory.

Now that we’re on that topic, I wonder, “what will die with me when I die, what pathetic or fragile form will the world lose?” I guess these silly thoughts of an insomniac-slash-sleepyhead (ironic huh?) will…but who cares? The only one who will probably care will be dead too.

guys, this is an old one…just got the chance to post it…
Once in a while, one experiences that unexplainable impression that, even though we don’t see anything, someone is standing, staring behind us. I have experienced something similar with the demigod (God, it feels weird to write about someone you no longer care about…I wrote this a long time ago…I just didn’t have the chance to post it). I have experienced that feeling of excitement mingled with anxiety when one thinks there is someone behind. I have experienced that nail-biting, nerve-wracking quandary where one weighs one’s curiosity – the urge to find out who /what is behind us or if there is someone or something there at all – and one’s fear – the fear of what/who one may find there. I have experienced those many times before. In those mind-numbing instances, I gave in to my curiosity. In those maddening, disappointing – even to the point of hurtful – instances, after taking a long time to muster up my courage to disregard my fears, I glanced back just to see…nothingness glare back at me as if to mock me at my foolishness. During those instances, the devil’s malicious grin would’ve been more welcome than the emptiness that filled my eyes, my heart with tears. Then again, I’ve never seen the devil before so I don’t know if I’d really want that. Anyway, whenever I look back on those instances, I ask myself, what did I do wrong? Was I wrong in glancing back or was I wrong about taking my time in doing so? Had I glanced back sooner or later would I find someone or something there? Every now and then, I feel that compulsion again. Every time, I manage to shrug it off as nothing. I keep reminding myself of the numerous times I glanced back expecting – or rather, hoping – that the demigod’s intense, patient stare would be meeting my startled/curious stare only to find myself staring at nothing. Yes, I may have given in to my fear but a voice in my head keeps nagging, telling me: what if this time’s different from the ones before? What if you actually find the eyes that you feel are trying hard to “render you transparent,” to urge you to turn around? What if you actually find someone waiting for you to turn around? What if this hesitation of yours is making him wait longer? What if this hesitation of yours costs you a lifetime of happiness you’ve so longed for? The numerous what ifs are overthrown by one statement alone. “I have turned around before, seen nothing and found misery. I can’t take any more than what I already have.” So, everyday, I go about carrying, weighing my curiosity and my fears. Maybe one day I’ll give in to my curiosity. Maybe one day I’ll glance back. Maybe. For now, I am afraid to glance back.
I may be afraid to glance back but as I was on my way to attend practice, I couldn’t help but take a glance at the demigod. While I was doing so, I didn’t know why I did this. One song later, I found myself thinking, “…just one glance to help me get through the rest of the day without seeing you…” WTF?!?! Why does it matter whether I see you or not? Why, just a while ago, I turned my back on you so as to avoid romanticizing the sight of you as I read a romantic book! I really am a walking contradiction! When you’re near, I try hard to keep you out of my sight. When you’re out of my sight, I try hard to find you. Why?! Why?! Why?! Why am I like this when I should be able to look straight at you casually and not miss your eyes when I’m not looking at them?! Why am I even thinking of you?! Why am I writing yet another blog offering to you?!