Pensive moments…

I am weary of the world. I am not complaining. I’m sorry if it sounds like I am but I’m not…at least I don’t want to…because I believe I don’t have the right to. Now that I think about it, I don’t have the right to anything.
As I was walking home, I noticed that I was looking down again. I remembered someone asked me why I walk that way. I thought of an answer for this as I continued walking with my head bent down. I thought that maybe it’s because I live in the moment. I take a journey one step at a time. I don’t like looking too far ahead since making plans often confuses and disheartens me. Looking ahead often complicates my already complex and chaotic world. Then, on another journey, I stumbled upon yet another answer…
I am weary of the world and you will see it in my eyes, my face as I walk if one would bother to look…but who would?! I am not worth looking at. I am unworthy of even the slightest attention. Which probably explains why until now I still don’t have an S.O…ah, an S.O…one of the few things I’d want for myself. But I understand that this is too much to ask for the moment (or maybe forever…given the fact that I always like guys who like someone else, someone I can never be) so a little serenity will do. Apparently I am unworthy of such luxury as well. Just when I was thanking God (literally) for giving me a taste of one of the few things I “ask” for, reality intrudes and wreaks havoc…and I’m back to “this rampant chaos called reality.” There goes one of the few things I would want to ask for but never really manage to muster up the courage to do so. Well, any sensible being might say that it’s no wonder I don’t get what I want since I never really asked for them. Well, forgive me for being so badly deluded into believing that I am not worthy of asking for anything…all the more of having anything…anything but blame that is. So feel free to be generous. It’s all I can have at the moment so why not take all that I can? Why not use up my share so that I won’t have to take any more in the future. That is, assuming I do have one…if I am worthy of having one (with the one I actually want to share it with?)…
I am even unworthy of tears. Sometimes, if the heavens are feeling generous, I may be able to shed a tear or two. Oftentimes, I have to pour out my misery on the form of words. And even with these, I am still unworthy. If I don’t jot them down right away, they disappear into oblivion leaving me with nothing but abstract, chaotic misery. Just like today…I pour them out in words and try to remember the words but now that I’m typing, the words are all mucked up!
Ah there! What luck! Frabjous day! I have spent the two teardrops I am allowed for this petty misery of mine. I now have to resume my role as the sociable chatterbox. Time to borrow that smile I was wearing when Ram was around…so that people won’t be disturbed that I am unusually quiet. Here we go. Let the masquerade continue!

I have two annoying habits that drive me nuts. One is pulling my hair and the other one is diving into imaginary pools.
The former drives me mad because I keep ding it even though it makes my arms feel sore. You see, this habit involves the art of lifting one’s arms at shoulder height. It’s like lifting weights overhead minus the weights. Hehe. This habit also makes me dizzy. Try staring at the strands of your hair in search of ugly strands for a long time and see if it doesn’t make you feel dizzy. If it doesn’t make you feel dizzy, then you’re some freak of nature whose eyes must have the disgusting capability of popping out of their sockets thus enabling you to closely examine your hair without requiring you to strain your eyes at a grotesque angle.
This habit though is er, terminable. I don’t work out so my arms grow tired easily. Even if I do work out, the fact is my arms will still grow tired. I also happen to have normal human eyes so I get dizzy. Besides, I also happen to have a finite number of hair so I will run out of hair to pull. Nature though happened to “bless” me with an amazing bounty of hair so the former sentence isn’t a reliable argument since it actually nurtures this bad habit and sustains it for weeks.
Now, you know why the first one drives me crazy, it’s time to elaborate on the second one (although the previous blog entry can also pass off as an elaboration). Normally, diving is fun given the fact that I am quite an extreme person. Hehehe. Anyway, in diving, there’s a time when one is suspended in the air. This suspension is actually the fun part of the dive because after that, one hits the water and one’s nose and ears hurt. Well, at least mine do probably because I don’t do it properly but I never said I was a professional diver or at least someone who gave a damn about doing things properly. I mean, where’s the fun in that?! Hehe. Back to diving…if one dives into the water, the pain I described earlier would be rewarded by the cool water. However, if one dives into say…sand for example, then the pain would only be rewarded by the prolongation of it. Not to mention the humiliation one would experience by giving in to one’s foolishness in diving into sand. And this is exactly what happens every time I dive into what I once (actually not once) thought was a pool. Sure, I felt exhilarated at first. I felt exhilarated, that is, before I hit the dirt. When I do hit the dirt, like all human beings (even though it’s not so apparent that I am one hehe), I get hurt. After hitting the dirt, I’ve got nobody but myself to blame and nobody but me to pick myself up, brush off the dust and tend to my wounds as well. When I do get up, one would think that I’d know better than to do this again but I do. In fact, I feel that I’m about to do it again. Well, it’s inevitable (at least it seems to me). I mean, old habits die hard…that’s why it’s a habit dammit! Don’t worry about me though. I’m trying to put off the diving part until the rainy season so that when I do plunge into the dirt, at least it’ll be softer and cooler because it’s wet. Hehe. Besides, even though I didn’t learn how to shake off this bad habit after the numerous times I made those foolish dives (just to defend myself a little: I made those dives because the mirages were convincing…I really thought I was about to dive into water. I may be stupid but not stupid enough to dive into what is obviously sand), I learned how to prolong the suspension part and make the rest more bearable. Bear in mind that humans become immune to pain when they experience it more frequently and more intensely.
I’m tired of being the “words of Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Behind These Hazel Eyes’ made flesh” though. And just for the record, I don’t do the crying part. Ang saya naman ng hinayupak na yun kung ganon dahil magkakaroon siya ng world record.

Yet again, the world seems to be leading me to believe that I have found a sanctuary after traveling alone in this dreary place most people call the real world. I have seen this sanctuary from afar for a long time but as I got nearer, the more welcoming it seemed to be. It reminded me of the joy I used to feel in being just me. It reminded me of the delusions I used to have—all of them boiling down to the “fact” that I am good enough. It was like the river that showed Narcissus the beauty he possessed long before he looked into the fatal body of water. Now this is what scares me. yes, the river might have shown Narcissus his beauty but it also led him to plunge into his destruction. It led him to plunge into the water thinking that he was about to kiss a divine creature when he was actually plunging into his one way ticket to Hades…which, in our time, is equivalent to Hell…scary right?
I just hope that this one is not another mirage like the ones before it. Fine, if it is, then I hope the world would be nice enough to let me know before I plunge into yet another imaginary heaven. I also wish that the world would hurry up in rescuing me because I can tell I’m at the brink of diving into this river. Well, if it won’t hurry up then at least I hope it would never come and deliver the horrible news at all. I hope it would be merciful enough to leave me in my delusion until I reach the real sanctuary. Oh yeah, I forgot! The world doesn’t give a damn about me! hehe…I guess the only way to find out is by plunging into the madness…and hope this river will confirm that I’ve finally found the sanctuary I have long searched for instead of drowning me with remorse for believing the tricks played on this fragile mind (or should I say heart? Then again, this leads to another question, do I have one? hehe)
Anyway, I think I need to dip in some pool and sort things out. Maybe the heat is the one driving me crazy. hehe