Successfully Deficient
First of all I’d like to congratulate R24 (minus me ofcourse) for a great job!!! You guys rock!!! Gino can finally grow back all the hair he lost (not to mention time, energy, fun and sleep he lost)!!! Isang malaking tinik ang nabunot sa ating puso!!!( sorry, ang cheesy…)
Well, except for me that is. Instead of permanently removing a huge thorn in my heart (I’m sorry if I keep using that but I can’t think of anything else right now since it’s 1 in the morning and I’m honestly exhausted but I can’t make my mind stop…I can’t keep my mind from nagging at myself. The only way of making these wonderful thoughts go away is to type them so here I am…sorry ang haba ng side-comment…), it just temporarily removed one and permanently replaced it with something harder to bear than the one before it. Oh well, at least other people are relieved of their burdens…if such relief is not made for me, at least let it be for others. If I wasn’t meant to have something to rejoice about, then at least let others have it. Hmmmm…now that I think about it, I have just deprived an entire block of innocent, hard-working students (ooooh, Oleanna!!! Wala lang) of everything worth rejoicing about in this event! Wonderful! Hah! Finally! Time for some self-bashing—the real reason why I’m doing this!!!
I have read somewhere that suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. “How appropriate,” I thought, “is this a moment of enlightenment from the heavens? Is this my CUE to stop acting out the pathetic, possibly even abominable scene called ‘my life’ because I SUCK?!” At first, the gravity of reality did not occur to me. When I returned backstage, the magnitude of my mistake did not sink in but when some of my neurological functions returned, it did and I realized that I AM ONE HELL OF A SUCCESSFUL FAILURE!!! I couldn’t stop annoying, hating myself for it and I couldn’t stop blaming myself either. I kept playing the wretched scene over and over again in my head and I kept correcting it over and over again too. Everytime I managed to correct my mistake in my fantasies (somewhere they can’t really do anything other than aggravate my self-loathing), the urge to bang my head on all solid surfaces increased. You could be arguing that I’m overreacting and that it wasn’t entirely my fault but those arguments cannot change the fact that I MADE A BIG FREAKING MISTAKE and that I don’t think I have the right to point fingers on anybody but myself. Everybody told me that it wasn’t my fault and that it was okay. I really hope, pray, implore the Almighty God that it is so. Anyway, everybody tried their best to help me forgive myself — and I appreciate and thank everybody for that— but “if you can’t help yourself then nobody can help you.” This nobody —I’m sorry I digress (ahem!merong nakangiti jan ngayon…hehehe…sorry serious mode nga pla…)— came in the form of JR (obviously not the person’s real name…and just to complicate the already confounding universe, I just want to say that the fact that the codename is a guy’s name doesn’t necessarily mean that the person really is a guy). I’m not saying that all the rest were insincere and merely uttering empty words of consolation but JR’s words—brief yet poetic in its simplicity— had the most impact. What JR said really made me feel the sincerity of not only the words but also the intention to save me from unjustly (probably in JR’s eyes at least) crucify myself over a petty (probably in JR’s eyes again) mistake. Thank you. Anyway, I honestly think that I owe all my blockmates an apology because I cost them an A they truly deserved for all their hard work; because I made all their hardwork go down the drain and also because I made them offer up failure to God — ALL BECAUSE OF ME!!!(that’s two grave offenses in one go…beat that!)—; that I don’t have the right to justify (or make excuses…take your pick, it doesn’t really matter…or as my blockmates say, TOMAYTO, TOMATO, POTAYTO, POTATO, SAME BANANA!!!) myself. The whole sham was entirely my fault and my fault alone. Period. (and don’t even try arguing to me about it…nobody can defeat my stubbornness in such instances)
Readers, I assure you that you need not worry about me because after I type the last period, all that came before it would be nothing more than a distant memory probably from another dimension. Trust me, when you see me, I’ll be smiling as if the huge mistake called Friday, march 3rd 2006, did not happen. I’ll be enjoying as if my whole life went as I planned it.
I could go on making an 1000-word offering/public apology and I intended to but you might get annoyed thinking that I am re-enacting (wow, I keep using words like acting, cue, re-enacting…how wonderful!) the Passion of Christ just to evoke public sympathy…pity…whatever! I don’t want that. I just want to type the last word and hopefully forgive myself…better yet, forget the damn thing! Wait, is that actually better? I dunno…whatever! Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a mistake to rectify and an honest self-criticism to ponder on. Oh yeah, and I honestly enjoyed bashing myself. It was cathartic in a twisted —even sadistic— way but cathartic nonetheless. One more thing, in case you didn’t get the title, successfully deficient is just another way of writing FAILURE. You know how I love these wonderful and elaborate variations for insults. On one hand, they’re more bearable than the simple, common ones since ignorance can be bliss. On the other hand, they’re harder to swallow if you’re unfortunate enough to understand them. Hehehe.
P.S.
I just realized I can’t stop using the word “sorry.” I guess it’s an indication that I’m still annoyed and that I’m still feeling sorry for myself and for the other people I have victimized because of my incompetence. I’m sorry. Oops, I’m at it again…sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (just stop it Chia!)
