New Religion
Right now, I am at stuck “between two religions: one I haven’t abandoned and one I haven’t adopted yet.” I realized it as I was once again walking home. I haven’t completely renounced my faith to my former deity (or deities if you count the one before) yet here I am, typing an offering to this newfound deity, Daniel. I found myself thinking of Daniel or as Victor Hugo put it: ”There are such sudden congelations in the dream state, which a word is sufficient to produce. The whole mind condenses abruptly on one idea and ceases to be capable of any other perception. This was absurd but irresistible.” The word that brought about this whole thing starts with a C…that’s all I’ll give here since someone who knows him might read this and I’ll be in big trouble. If you’re so desperate to find out, try looking for Guylian, a brand of chocolate that MIGHT make me consider giving you er, another clue…or the answer…depends on the uh, conditions. Anyway, the thought that was absurd but irresistible was that Fate may have something special in store for the two of us. I couldn’t stop smiling at the thought though. I think it’s one of those silly thoughts that for some bizarre reason makes you happy and sometimes even goes as far as making you think that it’s intuition talking to you. I think I am at the brink of reaching that point…if I am not there yet!
I don’t know if it’s just me being a referential maniac or the world really is trying to constantly remind me of him. If it’s the latter well, the world is certainly doing a great job! Everywhere I looked, I saw something that has DANIEL written all over it. Take the people I passed by on my way to school and also on my way home… there was one who had er, characteristics similar to his. There were some whose outfits were similar to what Daniel wore on the day I first saw him. Speaking of that blessed day, once again I will borrow from Victor Hugo since I believe that what he wrote was foretelling the moment I’d lay eyes on him…”love begins only when two beings look at each other. Nothing is more real than these great shocks which two souls give each other in exchanging this spark…live by gazing upon each other.” Again, I don’t know if it’s just me seeing what I want to see but I believe there was something in the way he looked at me everytime our eyes met. There was something about his stare that made me wonder if he continued to stare at me even though I’m busy being nervous and noisy. There was something about his gaze that made me wish that he kept on staring at me, willing me to look at him again. There was something in those eyes that made me feel the exchange of souls that Victor Hugo wrote so well about. I think I now know what the songs mean by ‘souls intertwine’ and ‘giving each other part of each other’ the moment our eyes met. There was also something in his smile, something humble and shy yet somewhat daring, questioning yet also confessing, imploring yet demanding, that really captured me. I really couldn’t forget that smile. It wasn’t sublime in the divine sense but sublime in its humanity, in its dare I say ordinariness. I may see that smile on other people’s faces but I don’t think those smiles will say the same things his smile said and have the same effects his smile had. I may have seen that smile in less than a fraction of a second but I think I can remember that smile for a million lifetimes- if I get to live that long. I may not remember how his voice sounds like but I still remember that introduction he made and the shock that stupefied me (isang taong mahirit), that still stupefies and enchants me until now, that will continue to stupefy me until I type the last period in this entry. I have to restart my computer but I don’t want to stop typing for fear of losing these words. These words are the only things I have to let him know what he ought to know. These words are all I have to offer him. If he steps up to talk to me (something highly improbable), I’d show him what I mean. Yes, I am that crazy for him at this moment. Call this a mere spur of the moment, I don’t fucking care. This may only be a spur of the moment but nobody can deny the beauty of this moment…the sincerity, the simplicity and even the brevity of this moment is what makes it sublime. Yes, even worshipping him from afar is sublime. Sublime in the sense that I know he exists yet I do not know much about this existence therefore giving me the freedom to explore and enrich this ambiguity (sorry, Lit classes have these effects on me even though I didn’t have one today). Just as what VH wrote, ”a far off worship, a mute contemplation, a deification by an unknown votary. A lover distant and dwelling in the ideal, a chimera having a form. Adore him as something charming, luminous, impossible.” I may have understood these words, I may have felt that these words gave form to the chaos inside me and I may have believed that these words were retelling if not foretelling my experiences before I met him but I was able to grasp its essence only after I met him. I’m actually starting to believe that I am the one who gave this chimera a form. I’m starting to think that I loved those words not because they express what I wished to express rather, they expressed what I wished. I’m starting to think that I loved those words not because they gave form to the chaotic, amorphous past and present but because they gave form to the longed for future. I think that I took those words as gospel truth not because they spoke of things that were or things that are but because they spoke of things that will come to be…and now the prophecy has been fulfilled…partially…hopefully…because if this, this far off worship, is the fulfillment of the prophecy then I don’t want this prophecy anymore. If you’re not going to give me all of it, then don’t give me anything at all. Don’t give me something to hang on to just to leave me hanging. What am I saying? Well, I’m saying that if I’m going to have a fairy tale beginning then, I should have a happy ending too. I’d rather have the tragedy that ends with a resolution than a fairy tale that doesn’t end like all fairy tales do. What do I mean? Well, how do I explain this…if VH made Marius and Cosette fall in love with each other and let them live ‘happily ever after’ then this Cosette (if I am one) should end up with her Marius too. I don’t want half (meaning the 2 of us falling for each other but not ending up together because Fate is on the way) or even one-fourth (meaning just me falling for him, end of story) of the bargain. I want the whole shebang. Just as I don’t remember who said, ”if there’s a gun in the story then it better go off.” Oh yeah, I just remembered, my beloved Lit seatmate, Maki, wrote this poem and I’m putting it here because I think it’s somewhat related to me and Daniel’s situation…
Nasaan na nga ba tayo?
Sa ilog o sa lawa?
Saan ba tayo patungo-
Sa dagat o sa lupa?
Ano na ang mangyayari-
Uusad o paikot-ikot lang?
Ano na ang gagawin?
Walang hanggang pagmamahalan
O walang hanggang hintayan?
Sa buhay na walang pupuntahan o
Sa habangbuhay sa kalawakan ng kaligayahan?
Nasaan ka na Daniel? Hinahanap mo rin ba ako? Sorry ang cheesy…tama na nga! Kinikilabutan na ako sa sarili kong mga pinag-iiisip! Makatulog na nga…
P.S.
This is some new deity. So far, I think this is the longest offering I’ve made to my demigods. This boy is amazing. Let’s see how far or how long he can make me go…hehe
