Pensive moments…

As I walk you home without your knowledge, I watch you walk silently. I noticed you’re walking extra slowly and your steps are somewhat zigzagging today. I know you’re burning with fever right now yet still, you walk on…fighting the urge to collapse. I can see you struggling hard to keep your head from swimming into God-knows-where. As you fight the fever for control of your motor and mental skills, I fight the urge to just walk up to you and give you a ride home (yes, give, not offer but GIVE) as I have often done many times before. In these struggles, the only thing preventing me from making my existence known to you is the fear of rejection. Yet, I have to admit that there are times when this fear is overcome by my longing to just carry your burden for you, make you smile, end your suffering and come what may. In moments like these, awe cripples me. I’d be awed by the fact that you manage to hold back that wave of tears threatening to drown you inside, keep your inner struggles to yourself and still face the world with a smile. I know we share the same struggles for the same reasons but because of different people. Knowing this amazes me even more. You may have been defeated by this guy but you’re not letting him destroy your life completely. Yes, I know your strength has been defeated. You have been defeated. I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in the way you look down on the pavement as you walk. I can see how you see him and this makes me wish that you’d see me the way you see him…or even just that he’d see you the way you see him, the way I see you…and right now, I see you trudging home slowly (where’s the asshole that you like so much when you desperately need a ride home?! Doesn’t he even care that you’re walking home alone when you’re sick?!). I see you concentrate on willing yourself to take a step that’ll lead you home, a step that’ll lead you away from me, away from your comfort, away from – hopefully- your happiness and your home.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you that sometimes, it’s better and easier for you to lie down, succumb to the sickness and rest until the fever subsides. That way, on the following day, you’ll be able to get up with fresh energy and less to fight.
I’m sorry if the words came out weird. They were very beautiful when they were still untarnished, newly conceived and safe within confines of my head. Now that I’m actually giving form to those thoughts, they aren’t as beautifully sincere as I first conceived them to be and for that, I am sorry…
P.S.
These are thoughts of a feverish, deluded girl in an effort to keep her brain up and running so…you decide…hehe

One tear is all I need to shed to stop my eyes from welling up. One tear is all I need to stop my eyes from betraying me. One tear is all I need to make this sickening masquerade party with the world stop. One tear is all I need to erase all the sadness in the world. One tear is all I need to see the world’s beauty once more. One tear is all I need to be able to move on with life once more. One tear is all I need; then I can face the world…smiling. One tear is all I need to wash away all my negativity. One tear is all I need to keep myself from succumbing to self-pity. One tear is all I need to vent out my frustrations. One tear is all I need to cleanse the heaviness, the emptiness I feel in my heart. One tear is all I need to be able to breathe freely again and to rest from this great exhaustion. One tear is all I need to make life bearable once more. One tear is all I need to save myself from self-destruction. One tear is all I need to put an end to this sadistic self-indulgence. One tear is all I need to stop this madness. One tear is all I need to let go of loneliness. One tear is all I need to be mended, to feel whole once again. One tear is all I need to be happy again. One tear, I hope, is all I need to shed to find the one who’ll wipe this one tear away…the one who’ll give me no reason to shed not one tear ever again…but right now, I need to shed one more tear until he comes.

I want to give in to self-pity -and I have enough reason to do so, mind you- but I can’t. I want to break down and cry so that these thoughts will be washed away by my tears and be forgotten- or at least the crying will stop the nagging in my head- but now that I have reason to, I can’t.
I’ve been here before; felt these things before; unable to do what I want just like before. Just like before, I’m planning to go on a “psychological strike” once again. You see, I have a weird way of rebelling; I have a different way of destroying myself to destroy my beloved enemy. I let schoolwork and negativity consume me so that the bubbly, foolishly optimistic dreamer (i.e. me) will be seemingly wiped out of existence. Once this “illusion” is complete, my beloved enemy’s conscience will keep nagging “It is because of you that she is like that…you destroyed her.” Then, once the beloved can’t endure the guilt anymore, I’ll resurrect the bright side of me. unfortunately, though, I’ve never been able to let this plan come to full circle…at least I don’t think so…but on every attempt, I get closer and closer to its completion. Last time, I think I got to the destroying myself part…or was it the step after that? Anyway, the point is, I’ve managed to “destroy” myself lots of times before…I just resurrect myself earlier than I planned. The foolishly optimistic dreamer gets the better of me in one way or another that my intricate plan for revenge is thwarted. I’m easy to buy through smiles, hugs and compliments. Anyway, last time I tried, the foolishly optimistic dreamer was resurrected with the help of my friends (guys, you know who you are…though I don’t think you know what you did…). Right now, I’m planning the same thing again…but considering the people I’m with, I don’t think I’ll accomplish much of my plans…
P. S.
Blockmates, if you still don’t get it, the previous sentence was a compliment…my way of writing a compliment/thank you note…
P. S. S.
If you still don’t understand the compliment, go figure! Sorry, ganyan ako mag-compliment, I want you to work hard for it! Hehe…
* great…how appropriate…I’m writing about worthlessness! How redundantly cruel could the world be?!

he doesn’t have or even know shampoo and conditioner but he has long, gorgeous and seemingly silky and smooth blonde hair. he doesn’t have soap or practice daily bathing but he has a perfect complexion except for a scar across the right eye but then again, the scar makes his beautiful face stand out even more. by the way, by beautiful i mean it in both the feminine and masculine sense. (in filipino, maganda na gwapo siya). he doesn’t know what contact lenses are or what they’re for but then again, he doesn’t need them since he has clear blue eye with perfect vision…a perfect vision to behold indeed! as i’ve said before- and i mean it more now than i did before- that those are the kind of eyes that i would never grow tired of staring at for innumerable eternities. he wears this unbelievably perfectly polished armor (considering the travelling and battles he’s supposed to have been through) that makes you wonder what you’ll see underneath the armor if you er, ahem! strip it….slowly…hehehe…kidding…anyway, makes you wonder if all the metal is for protecting skin and bones or concealing er…you get the idea…anyway, as of an answer to this query, he wields this big ass sword that makes a statement for itself but more importantly for the hottie who’s wielding it. the sword clearly shows how strong- and how heavenly the body of - its carrier is. i’d love to have those arms around me…ahem…i need not describe the lips but oh! the voice that comes out of them! deep, husky and even sexy don’t quite do the trick. the closest thing to a description that i can supply is that it’s the kind of voice that entrances the listener (as if the sight of him isn’t entrancing enough). it’s the kind of voice that will make you melt and evaporate a million billion gazillion times over. it’s the kind of voice that i’d love to hear uttering my name over and over and over again…and each time would be like the first. it’s the kind of voice that -excuse me- can make a simple sigh knock my clothes off and sweep me off my feet. reader, minion, meet my knight (not night) in shining armor.

and as if he’s er, not enough trouble already to drive an innocent (ops…choking) 17 year old like me crazy, he has a rival mind you! if the he is a nightmare restored to a knight, this rival is a once-good-but-turned-evil guy. he doesn’t have blue eyes but his eyes have this look that’ll keep you staring at it to be able to distinguish its color…if the knight has a yummy voice, he has a yummy snobby sort of accent. if the knight has gorgeous hair, he does too! only it’s styled differently. if the knight conceals his heavenly bod, this guy flaunts actually more like taunts you with a glimpse- yes just a glimpse- of his specs…(gee, i must sound like a perv but what the hell!i can’t help it with these two!) if the knight wears a shining armor, he wears a classy noble’s outfit and a matching perfectly villainous, sexy sneer. if the knight is the king of cheesy, serious lines, he’s the king of snobby and somewhat witty lines.

i could go on forever about these two but i have computer rentals to pay so…i’ll cut this short: we clearly have an even match! although frankly, i’m spoiling and favoring the knight more than his rival so…we’ll just see…

oh yeah, there’s another one but he’s no threat to the other two. this one is a samurai with nice jet black hair and a wonderful bod as well but…2 is company and 3 is a crowd! the two are keeping me up all night already! i don’t need more reasons to stay up! i need more reasons to sleep and do well in school!!!

phew! the break is over and i didn’t experience what i feared i would (don’t ask what it is…the fact that it er, cannot be remedied during the break is all you need to know). i dunno if it’s because two PS2 characters occupied my fantasies or because i was (and still is) so keen on perfecting torete and kung wala ka on the guitar that i didn’t have to deal with the dreaded situation but i don’t care what the reason is. what’s important is that the worst didn’t happen. wait, i think i should think of what the reason is so that i will not have to deal with "it" anymore. i think it’s because those 2 occurrences were present during the sembreak and "it" didn’t happen either. hmmmm…interesting,,, i have found the anti-"it"! seeing the videoclip of someone being beheaded probably helped too. how? well, in case i might see the clip play over and over again in my dreams, i filled my thoughts with my gorgeous knight in shining armor (literally) who exists in the realm of a playstation 2 game where one has to find an evil sword in order to either acquire it or destroy it. anyway, i better go and play the PS2 or practice playing the guitar before "it" happens. bye! sandali na lang…