Pensive moments…

I am torn. On one hand, I feel so let down because Marty didn’t win. On the other hand, I admit that JD is a great performer. He’s so great that, while he’s performing, I could almost forgive INXS for choosing him. But when the song is over, I cry out for Marty. I think it’s “love” at first sight that slightly tips the scale in favor of Marty. I remember when I first saw him last summer in the commercial for Rockstar INXS. There was something about him that made me want to watch the contest but I kept on forgetting. It’s not because Marty failed to keep reminding me to watch him. It’s also not because he didn’t interest me well enough to make me watch him. It’s just because I keep forgetting to, period. Anyway, I just got the chance to watch today only to realize that it’s the last episode. Sob. The experience was sweet but swift. I only heard Marty sing two songs. Two short songs are not enough to satisfy my craving to watch him perform! I’ve been dying to watch him since summer and all I get to watch is two freakin’ songs! What makes it worse is that I watched INXS only to find out Marty would lose to JD! Argh! I really have nothing against JD because he’s good and hot and all that but I still like Marty more. It may be just the eyeliner but there’s something about the way Marty looks when he’s singing that makes me want to keep seeing him onstage. There’s something about the way he sings that makes me wish that the song would go on and on and on forever. There’s something in his gaze that keeps me glued on the spot, immobile, unable to record the sacred performance that I will (unknowingly) never see again. So sad. By the way, I really love Marty’s eyes. They’re the kind of eyes I could stare at for all eternity. Seriously. They’re the kind of eyes I’d want to see staring back at me, reflecting my inner beauty (if I have any) for me to see. Oh God, I’m being cheesy again. Anyway, back to Marty. I like Marty’s voice. He won’t get as far as almost winning if he didn’t have a nice voice. His voice isn’t exactly an Alex Band kind of voice (the kind of voice that seems to be stripping you slowly) but it’s the kind of voice I’d like to hear calling out my name. Gee, I wonder how my name sounds like when he says it. I’d give up a lot (though not everything- I’m not quite there yet) to hear him utter my name even just for the sake of knowing how it sounds like.

It’s time to do justice to the one who won, JD. I like JD. I really do. I feel that if I didn’t see Marty first I’d be rooting for him instead of being torn between them. I think he’s got this sexy rock star appeal. Yes, I think he’s sexy and he should be proud to be able to let this word come out of me. I rarely admit that a guy is sexy so doing this is already a big accomplishment for a guy I’ve seen perform only three songs. I love his voice. I think it’s the kind of voice that suits songs from any genre. I’d probably melt and evaporate into the atmosphere if I heard him sing a ballad. Honestly, when I saw him perform I knew it right there and then that he’d win. I was just too stubborn, too into Marty to admit it. I wanted to give Marty the chance to win by attempting to focus all my will power to making Marty win and while I was doing so, something inside me that kept nagging at me saying JD would win. Maybe this is why Marty lost. I wasn’t able to concentrate well enough on willing him to win…sorry Marty…but whatever! Objectively speaking, JD is better than Marty. His voice is better than Marty’s. He performs better than Marty so he obviously is the better rock star. There’s something in the way he performs that makes me unfaithful to Marty. It’s like he’s flirting with the audience, with me when he’s onstage. Marty, on the other hand, seems to be courting the audience, courting me when he’s performing. Who’s more irresistible: a flaming hot guy flirting with you or a guy with a hypnotizing stare wooing you? I seriously don’t know. Anyway, JD looks like the kind of guy I’d take home to mom and dad while Marty looks like the kind of guy I’d introduce to my friends. Although the other way round could also work, now that I think about it- not that I’d seriously want to do either. For me, both of them are the kind of guys I’d like to think about, daydream about but actually living out the fantasy is a different story. I may find joy in thinking about them but I don’t find joy in actually being with either of them. The thrill is in creating the moment with them not in experiencing the moment with them- as if I’d ever get to…Anyway, there are guys whom I like to fantasize about and there are others whom I’d like to be with and there are others still who I’d like to do both.(Forgive the poor grammar…I’m multi-tasking again so I’m not into being grammatically correct at the moment).

Oops, i think i didn’t do JD justice but what the hell. He got chosen as the new lead singer of INXS anyway so he doesn’t need anyone who’ll do him justice. The INXS people already did that for me. anyway, even if i did, as if he’d care. as if Marty would care either! anyway, all i’m saying is that I like Marty a little (okay, maybe not a little) more than i like JD. i hope last night was not the last time i’d see and hear Marty…I’d like to experience getting lost in the moment again. it feels great…now, i really understand the reason why people listen to rock…and now, i also have another reason to listen to rock…time to download Marty music! wait, i can’t because the stoneage "computer" in my aunt’s apartment probably won’t do it justice so…whatever!(pardon the incoherence…again…it’sjust my way of assuring you that my fingers are the ones dancing across the keyboard =p)

I know what you’re thinking. It’s the first blog entry I’ve written that doesn’t revolve/ involve you-know-who. Don’t get me started. Please.

While doing my Filipino paper about modernism and Jessica Zafra’s “Snuff Porn for the Virtuous” from the “Twisted” series, I was listening to “I’m Doing Just Fine” by Boyz II Men (yes my dears, another ballad) and the line “Time made me stronger/ you’re no longer in my mind” struck me. At first, it made me smile and think, “Damn right! I’m getting along very well Tio! YOU’RE NO LONGER IN MY MIND!!!” Then, I realized the irony (ever since we discussed irony in lit class, I feel weird every time I use it- pardon the digression- and the ciscoesque term…hehe=p) of the line. I’m saying he’s no longer in my mind but here I am typing another blog entry revolving around effin Tio! The world really has a twisted sense of humor and I’m the world’s favorite butt in her jokes! This is freaking terrific! Then, the song doesn’t end there! Oh hell no it doesn’t! There’s another line that says “I don’t need you in my life” and I gotta be brutally honest, the song is right! I don’t need freakin’ Tio in my so-called freakin’ life! I don’t need him but I feel that in my deepest, darkest thoughts, I want him in my life…ew! My goodness, that doesn’t sound good. Hunger must be taking its toll on me right now. It’s making me sound cheesy and delusional. Probably this is what I get from reading too many idealistic books. Oh dear, what am I talking about?!

I’m sorry about that…just wanted to keep typing and typing even though I don’t have anything to type about. The wonders boredom can to do a human being…Time to change the song…Nice move Chia! Really appropriate song! “Back To You” by John Mayer! Fantastic! William Morris must be a soothsayer too. I realized he predicted my doom and tried to warn me about it in one of his poems in “The Earthly Paradise” but I was too ignorant to notice it until now. Thanks Will! I now realize I am the she in the line, “and she had fought with Gods, and they had won.” Okay Will, lesson learned…never mess with the gods. Thank you to John Mayer as well for reprimanding me for being too confident about my will power. “Your will is not as strong as it used to be,” he sings as if he’s making the already very apparent to me that I’m not doing a good job at hunting for a replacement for Tio because a part of me (a probably huge part of me) still doesn’t want to. Oh dear, starvation is really getting me.

Wait, I just looked back at the title and realized what I was originally typing about. I think I’m NOT doing just fine. I’M STARVING FOR PETE’S SAKE! FOOOOOOOOD!!!!!! Oh dear, I think I just overcooked my dinner. Excuse me.

I really wish Tio reads my blogs so that I can explain myself since I am deprived of such honor in person. It’s not because I lack the ability or guts to do so in person- well, okay I do lack the ability and guts but somehow, the fact that it would be very idiotic of me throw all these jargon at him face to face is hindering me to do so. If I am being unreasonable, slap me, please. Anyway, I hope that he reads my blogs not so that he will realize how poetic I can be but so that he can be free of the delusion/paranoia he is suffering from right now. What am I talking about? Well, as Cam (thanks by the way, Cam) pointed out a century ago that Tio has been avoiding me like a walking plague probably because he thinks- wait, let me rephrase that- he knows that I have a crush on him. To quote Cam once again, ang yabang naman niya kung ganon. Well, I’ll give him this, he may have a reason to do so or at least he used to have a reason to do so. Highlight on the used to. The reason why I am writing this is because I’m sick of being treated like a criminal after I’ve been released from incarceration. I feel like I’m being quarantined for a virus I no longer have and it sucks big time. Maybe this is why I sort of despise Tio right now. Wow, how ironic…I prayed someday we’d share mutual feelings for each other (ew! cheesy…) and now we are sharing mutual feelings for each other alright! Mutual awkwardness if not dislike for each other. Although I was praying for some other feeling but oh well, this is the reason why people are warned to be careful of what they wish for because they might just get it. The world really has a twisted sense of humor. I am straying once again, I’m sorry. Anyway, maybe this is why every morning when I am on my way to school, I have this feeling of dread- dreading the thought and the fact that I am walking towards my doom, towards a place where I am within n-meter-radius of Tio. Maybe this is why the thought of seeing Tio is no longer as welcome as before. This brings me to the question, why do I dread Tio? Is it because seeing him reminds me of a horrible past? Maybe. Then again, we- if I may use this term to Tio and me- don’t have a horrible past. Hell, we don’t even have a “past” to begin with. If the joyous days when I still liked him and when he still didn’t avoid me count as a “past” then I do not have a horrible past to be reminded of. I admit there was nothing horrible about that “past”. Then why do I hate seeing him? Maybe it is because he reminds of that joyous past and the fact that I can no longer go back to or continue that past is eating me inside. Maybe it is because seeing him makes it all the more obvious that he’s so near yet so far. Yes, maybe this is it. Maybe that is what’s keeping me typing all this jargon (the ramifications…nah, just kidding = P) until now. Then again, maybe it’s just boredom. I can’t find anything else to type about (and unfortunately, I couldn’t find an unfortunate being to talk to at the moment so I’m resorting to this- digital monologue! pitiful…). Then again, why type about him? Why not just type about the freaky cockroach you’ve been dying to swat with somebody else’s footwear but couldn’t because you know you couldn’t muster up the courage to sweep it up once you’ve saved the world from 16,000 more cockroaches (or the courage to just give Tio a good smack right on the face to let him know he’s so last month)? Wow, that sentence was ridiculously long. Anyway, why can’t I just pick someone else out of the 35 people in the picture frames in front of you? Why single him out of the crowd like you used to and still do? Well, honestly, I can’t help doing so. I’m still trying to fight off those old habits. Some are saying that I’m doing quite a nice job and at first, I thought so too but others (the very few who know more about these things) tell me something else. When I thought about it, it seemed to me that those few “love experts” are right. I realized that my thoughts keep coming back to him. Maybe it’s because they’ve got nowhere else to go to. Then again, maybe it’s because they don’t want to go somewhere else. I really don’t know if this really is intuition talking to me but something’s telling me to hang on to that fool’s hope that I’ll get what I used to pray for. If it is intuition that is talking to me, I have every reason to be afraid, to be really (up to the highest magnitude) freaked out because this so-called intuition of mine has this uncanny ability of being always right. So, why not trust it if you know it’s always right then? well, that’s the problem, I don’t know when it’s the one talking or when it’s deceitful twin, the thing I’d like to call wishful thinking, is the one talking. Another problem is that time is the only thing that can tell them apart. Time, it seems to me, is something I’m running out of. Oh well, I can’t do anything about this right now so I guess I’ll just watch time fly by to reveal who’s right. Time to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Oh, I just remembered…my tocino! It’s burning! Whew! It’s not…good thing or else I might be compelled to just eat out…which I should’ve thought earlier…oh well, too late.

Wow, I really have the natural ability to stray away from one subject to another. I went from Tio to tocino…amazing…why can’t I do that with Tio? Oh dear, oh dear…I never should’ve went there. I should’ve stayed with the tocino. Argh! There and back again by Bilbo Baggins…

It’s raining again. I can’t help but think that the heavens are crying for me. It’s as if the sky is shedding its tears for me since I can’t shed my own. It’s as if Mother Nature, out of pity for her miserable child, tried to console me. It’s as if Mother Nature is trying to tell me that I’m not alone in my torment. It’s as if Mother Nature is trying to comfort me by straying my thoughts away from my suffering by showing me her own. Ironically, by attempting to show me I’m not alone, she made it clear to me that I am alone in my suffering. By showing me her misery in an attempt to drive my thoughts away from my own, she reminded me all the more of my anguish. In her attempt to reach out to me, she isolated me even more. Sigh. Forgive me, I am suffering from my occasional fits of self-pity. I know this is not like the usual bubbly me. I know that it isn’t that obvious that self-pity has taken over once again because I still manage to smile and even laugh ‘genuinely’. Some of those laughs and smiles were genuine though, while the rest are a mere mask to hide the misery behind. Hence the quotation marks on genuine. I want to make this clear though: I wasn’t hiding behind fake happiness because of cowardice. I was hiding there hoping that someone would bother to look deep into my eyes and see the contrast between the sadness hidden deep in the eyes and the happiness plastered all over the face for the world to see. I was hiding there hoping that once discovered in my hiding place, someone would bother to pull me out into the open, into the light (yuck, sorry for the corny phrase…couldn’t find anything else). I was hoping that someone, after realizing that I was hiding behind a mask, instead of finding me cowardly for doing so, would find me brave and considerate for doing so. Brave for daring to bottle up something that can cause me to eventually or immediately explode or fall apart. Considerate for bothering to hide my sorrow for the sake of those around me (sadness is infectious). Unfortunately, no such person exists in the real world I am currently living in. I still need to find that person in the remote realms of my fantasy. I’m pretty much like Iona Potapov in Anton Chekhov’s “Misery”. If you don’t know who this unfortunate man is (yes, Iona is a he), he is a miserable person who seeks someone to confide to but sadly doesn’t find anyone willing to listen to him so he turns to his mare and talks to the mare instead. My current situation is pretty much like Iona’s which is why I am writing a blog entry right now since I do not own a mare or any pet I can pretend to talk to. Besides, even if I do have a pet, I wouldn’t want to infect my pet with my self-pity. See, this is the problem with me. I don’t want other people to feel sad because of the sad words I have to impart. Then, you might ask, why are you writing this tragic bullcrap if you don’t want to make other people sad? Well, firstly, I’m sorry if my composition made you sad. I’m not pointing a gun at your head right now so…get the idea? Good. Secondly, I’m writing this to voice out other people’s mute inner sufferings. I’m not writing this to make other people sad or to remind them of their melancholy. I’m writing this for those who find themselves at a loss for words to express what they’re feeling. Feeling better already? Same here. Frankly, though, I’m not sure if it’s because I was finally able to vent out some of my bottled emotions or because there is a bowl of hot cream of mushroom soup, lumpiang shanghai and chocolate-covered mallows waiting for me at the table. If you’re still not feeling better, there’s always chocolate to make you happy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my dinner is waiting. So is my stomach.

I’m in a quandary again. I’ve been trained to look at all possible angles and to go the extra mile to search all the possibilities. In short, I’ve been trained to be open-minded. Well, at least, this is how I see it. Anyway, this open-mindedness of mine has been giving me a headache these past few weeks. Of course, I’m talking about Tio once again. He’s so hard to figure out. No, it’s not because I can’t find ways of understanding him. It’s just that I have too many interpretations of his words and actions and that I couldn’t pick which one is correct. Here are examples:

1. He was playing basketball and I was teasing him every time he made a shot. I’d tease him to this girl I think (yet not so sure of) he likes. When I teased him, he just looked at me (in a weird way) and smiled (in a peculiar/mysterious way too).

Logic: His stare and smile seems to tell me this: “okay, you got me. That shot really was for her. Wait a second, how did you know? Oops, be quiet about this okay?” It seems to me that the stare and the smile were efforts to cover up the truth and to avoid further rumors yet, in the end, ironically, were the very things that gave him away. I guess he didn’t know they’d give him away and that I’d catch him off guard. He probably didn’t know I have my ways of blowing other people’s cover since I know how to keep mine. He underestimated my powers to see through such vain efforts. He still has to find out how good I am at observing people.

Wishful thinking: What if the stare and the smile really meant this: “To avoid further discussion-no comment. I won’t argue. I’ll let you think that the shot was for someone else but the truth is it’s really for you. I actually like you…isn’t it still obvious?”

2. Our eyes meet and his gaze seem…uhm, intense, sincere, promising…

Logic: His eyes are just really like that. God made him with deep, dark, intense eyes that seem to promise you heaven but actually promise you nothing. His eyes are abysmal voids that suck you into them and into thinking they actually promise you something you’ve always dreamed of. Wake up daydreamer! Those seemingly sweet promises his eyes, his gaze seem to offer at your feet are just like the eyes that promised them- empty!

Wishful thinking: His gaze seems to promise, confess and plead to me. His gaze seems to promise me he’ll tell me the truth once I tell the truth. His eyes seem to transmit this message he has hidden because of fear. His eyes seem to be reaching out to me. They seem to convey his hidden longing to just hold me close and pour his heart out. They seem to secretly, discreetly tell me that he’s been trying to figure out what I really feel for him but couldn’t. They seem to be pleading me to tell him or just give him a sign about what I really feel. They seem to be pleading me to end this guessing game and lay my hat on the table so he can put his hat down as well because his hat is burdening him. They seem to be asking me if I want him, if I love him, if I like him. Actually, they are asking a lot of questions you yourself are longing to ask him as well. Why are you acting that way? Are you just really nice and friendly or are you discreetly giving me special treatment? Can’t you see I’m doing the same thing too? Have you really caught me? Have I really blown my cover? Have I blown your cover? Is there even a cover to blow? Have I struck oil or do I still need to keep drilling? Please just tell me…or show me…or just look at me so I can see…let your eyes betray you as I let mine betray me too.

3. One day, he seemed to be lonely. He seemed lost in thought. He seems to zone out once in a while and then go back to reality only to be reminded of his loneliness. In one class, he sat somewhere isolated, somewhere far from me.

Logic: One word darling- heartbroken. Either he got rejected or he just experienced a break up. He was listening to Orange and Lemons’ “Heaven Knows” for heaven’s sake! Just look at the lyrics! They’re for heartbroken people!

Wishful thinking: He might be trying to isolate himself from me so he could ponder and weigh things out in an unbiased way. Well, as unbiased as possible. He might be trying to figure out how he really feels for me. He might be trying to figure me out as well. He’s weighing logic against instinct and both seem to have plausible arguments and I’m not making it any easier for him because of the way I’ve been acting. He must hate me for being so damn unpredictable. Heaven knows if he’s falling for me and his feelings are spinning out of control and he might be wondering if I’m going through the same dilemma as well. He might be wondering if I have any feelings for him at all. So, to be unbiased, he tries to distance himself from me. In the end, he realized it’s inevitable to have me near him and it’s really hard to figure me out. He needs more time to observe me to see if he catches me off guard and to see if I have caught him off guard (or if I’m actually trying to catch him at all).

So far, those were the instances I could think of at the moment. I really don’t know which one to trust. My emotions are spinning out of control and I couldn’t control them anymore because I couldn’t sort things out because I couldn’t be as unbiased as I could before. Aside from being open-minded, I’m also intuitive. Something keeps telling me, keeping me hanging on to this unreliable thing called intuition. Intuition keeps telling me these wonderful, dreamy things. Intuition keeps me hanging on to Tio. Intuition tells me to hang on because I’m close to getting what I’ve been praying for, longing for. Intuition tells me I’m close to striking oil, I only need to drill a little deeper but logic is telling me there’s nothing to drill. Logic is telling me I’m just being this fool blinded by an obsession that seems to be love. Then again, intuition tells me that it hasn’t failed me before and that I have gained a lot in trusting it. Frankly, I dunno if it’s really intuition or just the cunning wishful thinking hiding behind a mask. So, I’ll just call it wishful thinking at the moment. I’d rather prepare for the worst and get disappointed than hope for the best and end up getting disappointed. Let’s just wait and see which is which. Time shall reveal all things. Time. And patience, my darling. My goodness, this waiting is gonna wear out the little sanity (or what seems like it) left in me.