Pensive moments…

July 10, 2005 2:15 pm I have thought of another way to end this madness. Since avoiding it is impossible, last night I realized I have another alternative: wear this madness out. Like the saying goes, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join them.” So, I will no longer try to stop thinking of Tio. Instead, I’ll keep on thinking of him until my mind grows tired of him. My mind keeps going back to him then fine. So be it; let the mind go where it wants to; let it go back to him. My imagination gets what it wants and in the end, I get what I want. Tio remains oblivious of the torture he’s causing and I’ll be free of the torture. I’m happy. He’s happy. We’re all happy. End of story. I realized that forcing Tio out of my system is really hard since I see him almost everyday so now, I’m not gonna force him out. I’m gonna make my system eject Tio out by its own will. I’ll make my system get sick of depending on him that it’ll squeeze him out of itself without any help from my willpower. I realized I should reserve my willpower on something-rather, someone- more worthwhile. I also realized that Champ’s voice is too beautiful to hate because of Tio. I shouldn’t throw Champ away along with the garbage I wanted to get rid of. Champ doesn’t belong there. I looove “Underneath the Waves.” (Singing along with Champ…) Oh God, I’m being absurd again.

Songs are like drugs to me—hallucinogens to be exact. Songs send my mind deep into the subconscious. My mind gets lost in the song’s lyrics, in the poetry of the lyrics, in the beauty of the vocalist’s voice, in the melody of the song. It’s fun to plunge into this form of stupor. In this state of suspension, I’m temporarily free from the madness Tio has infected me. I am momentarily free from the clutches of his charms. For a fleeting moment, I forget his heart-melting smile, his hypnotizing stare, his soft, smooth skin, his cute hair style and his captivating eyes. I forget the envy I feel when I see his soft, smooth, fair skin. Whenever I see him, I keep thinking, “I’m the girl here yet he’s the one with flawless porcelain skin. Why can’t I have that kind of skin?!” I forget the infinite benefits I could have if I had a complexion even only half as good as his. I forget the euphoria I experience when his smile catches me by surprise. I forget the mystery in his eyes that makes me interested and intrigued. I forget the longing to know more about him. I forget the weird feeling I have when I sense the intensity of his stare. I forget about the numerous hypotheses I formulate to fill in the void—the void where the meaning behind his stare should be. I forget the quandary I am in—whether I should carry on with this folly or not. I forget the torment I experience as I watch myself fall for him all over again just because of the small yet amazing things he does and find myself unable to do anything to stop myself from doing so. It’s not that I can’t. It’s just that when he’s around, I get disoriented in the sense that I know I can stop myself and I want to stop myself yet somehow I’m still not doing anything about it. I dunno if it’s because deep in my heart I don’t want to or I’m simply spellbound by his presence. Anyway, the torment is the knowledge I have the ability and the power to fight his charms yet I just sit there and watch him weave his magic spells. I forget how comfortable I am with him especially when we tease each other. I forget the numerous yet fickle promises his friendship offers me and I forget how foolish I am to believe those whimsical promises of his. I forget the false hope his kindness instills in me. In short, I forget him. I forget myself. Only the song fills my head. Often, the only way to retrieve me from the deep abyss of oblivion is to remove the injection infusing the drug. In the aftermath, when the drug’s influence is overcome by consciousness, all the agonizing memories of Tio flood back and put me in anguish all over again. The song has left me and melancholy fills me once more.

The second paragraph doesn’t sound like me. It’s sad but it’s also funny. The paragraph’s sadness isn’t the one that’s funny, it’s the irony I see that I find funny. The irony is that how can someone as jolly and as tough as I am suffer such anguish behind all those laughter and smiles. Wait, the smiles aren’t a mask I hide behind. They’re part of who I am. It’s just that I choose to show my happiness than let my inner sadness/emptiness surface ‘cause, well, the world is already a dreary place on its own. It doesn’t need my help to make it worse. It already has a lot of help from the other unwise people living in it. I don’t want to be one of those brainless dunderheads who bask in their self-inflicted torment. Not that I’m not inflicting myself with torment too. In a way, I’m also suffering from self-inflicted torment. Oh well, everyone has their inner demons to fight. The thing is, I know how to defeat mine. I’m not finishing them off just for the joy/challenge of having them and of constantly fighting them. Yup, that’s how cunning and strong I think I am so

Tara

, dear, I’m not suffering from low self-esteem. Well, at least I don’t think so. Just look at me marvel at my inner strength. My narcissism is attacking once more.

Wow, I have just filled 2 pages with my nonsense—or as Mr. Guevara puts it, bullshit. Okay, 1 ½ if you insist. I have just filled 1 1/2 pages with bullshit—MY bullshit. Oops, my strangeness is prevailing again. Frankly, though, my own strangeness amazes me. Hehe = P

I hate Hale. Hale’s songs evoke sentimental/romantic thoughts about Tio. I shouldn’t be having those. I have officially announced last week that I no longer like him so I shouldn’t be thinking about him and all the more I shouldn’t be having romantic thoughts involving him. I really and urgently need to find a replacement because without one, my romantic thoughts will constantly return to him. This is driving me nuts. Why does he have to be irresistibly cute?! Why?! Maybe I should stop listening to Hale so as to avoid such thoughts…but I can’t! I love to listen to Champ! Then again, this brings up the question why I love Hale. Is it because Champ’s songs sing the words in my heart? Is it because their songs voice out the longing I feel inside? I have to admit that their songs do…especially “Underneath the Waves”. Argh! This madness has to stop! I’ll only end up in pain if I keep on being like this…but then again, this madness seems inevitable to me. This madness seems to be more powerful than my once invincible/unconquerable will power. It’s probably because this is the first time I have faced this foe. This one has lots of experience while I have none. This one knows how to deal with me while I don’t. This one has learned numerous tried-and-tested tactics to corner me while I only have one hypothesis on how to get through it. My hypothesis seems powerless against it. I feel that it has cornered me. I don’t like being in tight spots… especially this one. This one is leaving me no room for escape and I don’t know why it’s doing this to me. I don’t know why HE’S doing this to me. He doesn’t even like me! So why must he work his charm on me?! It’s like his hobby is collecting victims that fall under the spell of his charm and I’m part of the collection. It’s like he has me locked and on display in his glass cabinet along with the rest of his collection. Why does he want me in his collection? I’m not of any value to him. Hell, I don’t even have aesthetic value. I’m not tall. I’m not skinny. I don’t have fair, flawless skin. I’m not pretty. I don’t have long, silky, smooth, gorgeous hair. Wait, I have the last one but it’s only temporary so basically I’m not worth the space in his display cabinet. Besides, I will not condone being reduced to a mere collectible object! I do not consent being treated like a plaything. I spent years, blood and sweat to establish a no-nonsense, I’m-out-of-your-league image and I’m not up to letting all those just go down the drain just because of a cutie. So Mr. ”The Irresistible One”, you may be irresistibly cute, overwhelmingly charming and undeniably smart but watch out for me ‘cause I can be more irresistibly cute, more overwhelmingly charming and more cunning if I wanted to. You have just given me motivation so you better be careful. I’ll be back for vengeance. I’m about to make you a part of my collection. I’m reserving the top shelf for you so you should be equally flattered and afraid ‘cause you’re gonna be alone and lonely on the top shelf. Like what they always say, “It’s lonely on top.” Oh, in case you still didn’t get the message—though I’m pretty sure you’re smart enough to get the hint (I won’t like anyway if you weren’t smart)—the last six sentences were threats. So be ready for me now. Evil laugh.

P.S.- I may not know much about you but I will. I have my ways. You just watch and see. Besides, you don’t know much about me either. I know how to crack safes and yours—the ones containing precious information about you—won’t be an exception. You don’t know how to crack mine. Besides, you don’t know where they are. Yes, they. I have two—not that knowing this’ll help. Obviously, I won’t give that information away if it’ll help you. God, I must be nuts to refer to Tio in the second person in this entry. I really need to see a shrink. God help me. Somebody pray for my soul…and Tio’s—though I dunno whose soul needs them more. My goodness.